Dreaming Is Believing

New Job

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 04:11:48 GMT

Well... I started a new job last week at Eckerds... I like it so far. The people there are really nice and most of them extreamly helpfull... My boss is already calling me in for more hours and I've only worked about a whole 18 hours... So I guess that just shows he knows I can do my job... Today I went in to cover for a girl and instead of running register, I was stocking and organizing cause they got a truck in... I swear, I was only there for 45 minutes... Or so it felt... I was so busy the time just flew by. A lot better than being at the register just waiting. lol It's kinda sad tho... This other girl who started the same day as I did... She had to call for me to help her about a dozen times today... She didn't even know how to count her drawer or ring up postage stamps... I don't get it... She's had all the same training as me... Oh well... MaryAnn is nice too... She's newer, but not as new as me... Her and I have been "accidently" teaching eachother stuff there. lol She was asking me something about a refund the one day and I just said what would make sense to do and it actually worked...lol Imagine that! My brain DOES have some commen sense to it!

We've gotten a bit behind on our bills and will the first of the month coming up and rent being due... We were almost in the hole badly... But my mother is being nice enough and loaning me $1,000 so I can pay all my bills and what not. We are sapossed to be getting food stamps soon... Whenever they "catch up". Slow ass people... We were told 3-4 weeks... It's been 4 weeks... We called, they said they are behind with that and the family health plus. Which is shitty for Shawn cause he is getting the family health plus and we were already making appointments for him to get glasses again and get his teeth worked on and his stomach checked out... Now we gotta go and cancle it all... But oh well... I can't wait to see what he looks like in glasses tho. lol He used to have them before I met him, but I guess he lost them and hasn't had them since... His eyesight is worse than mine, I don't understand how he can even drive. Ehh... Oh well...

Speaking of driving... I took my 5 hour pre-licencing cource on the Saturday before Easter... So now all I'm working towards is my 20 hours of driving. I'm getting there... My mother let me drive everywhere when I was with her over easter... I just don't get much driving experiance elsewhere cause I refuse to drive the neon since the speedometer doesn't work. Oh well... I'll get there eventually.

Gizmo got a bit bigger... But he's still a lil shithead compared to Roxie. Roxie is doing good tho... She recently cost us a nice $200 vet bill... She was pretty much allergic to herself. lol Damn dog... Oh well... Gotta love her. I went and saw my old dog Cocoa who lives with my mothers ex boyfriend now... Wow... I didn't realize how old she is now... She's 8! I can't believe my father brought her home in 1998... I still remember that night VERY well. lol All the way down to what I was wearing and everything I did with her... hehe... But wow... Her head finally filled out to show the pitt bull in her... But her entire body used to be a blackish/brown... Hense the name Cocoa... And she only had one small patch of white on her chest... Her whole head is covered in white hairs... She's still a happy hyper girl tho... Skinny compared to Roxie's fat ass though. lol But that's from the lab in her.

OH OH! I cut my hair off a month ago.... *innocent* another 12 inches... I've never had it this short before... But I like it, a lot easier to car for and a lot more fun things that I can actually do with it. I've gotten so many compliments on my face lately since I cut my hair... Espically with working over at Eckerds... Never used to get compliments like that at Tops. lol And there I go by Cassandra, so everytime people look at their receipt, they're like, "Oh, what a beautiful name!" lol

Okay, well, my back/neck is bothering me a little bit from this chair... (We need to get a real office chair) And I've got a couple things I still need to do online... So I'm going to end this hear with a picture of the doggies and of my haircut.

It's called a Puppy Stack... They were getting doggie treats and Gizmo had to get a better view. lol

Here are the heat stealers... lol

And my lovely fuzy haircut picture.

I'm too lazy to do an lj cut... lol

I haven't updated in awhile...

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 17:10:26 GMT

I guess I've been a bad girl... I'm still going through shit... I dunno, Shawn keeps saying it's getting better, then the next minute i turn around, it's worse than it was before. Oh well... I guess that's life!

Otherwise... I'm doing good... I got my diploma in December 2005... So now I can really say I graduated. We moved again.. Much bigger place, and tons and tons of yard for the dogs to run around. A big tree farm, it's right next to a main road, but the house is set so far back, you don't even realize it. So, the doggies are enjoying it. Yeah... I know... DoggIES... We got another one... Gizmo, he's a terrior mix. Looks like a rottie, but has 4 white paws and a white chest. Everyone thinks he's Roxies pup. And also... in 3 weeks we're going to be getting a 7 week old Pitt Bull. He's all white with a pink nose. I'ma kill Shawn for it, cause it's not like he helps any with the two we've got... Yeah, they're mine, both of them were a gift for me... But this one is SOOO gunna be his! I told him I'd take it... I'll take any animal that needs a home... But I just want him to help with it, cause I'm still working on getting the new pup potty trained. He's 12 weeks old, he's got it down for the most part... But god... Having 2 pups not potty trained... Better get a shit load of carpet cleaner. I'm really tempted to just stop trying to train Gizmo, cause I know the minute the new puppy comes and goes in the house, Gizmo is going to think it's okay to do it, and i'll just have to start all over again. That happened with Roxie too... But then again, I think it was actually Shawn's fault. Cause she only went in the house the 2 days I was away.. He never took them out... grr... Sometimes he's not very responsible. Roxie is officially a woman though... she's got her period... It's a pain in the ass too... But she's gotta get to the vets... She's got really bad bumps around her mouth and chin that are filled with puss... Kind of like acne... And for the past 3 mornings, around the same times... She throws up. It's almost like she's balemic or sumthin... And it's not like she's been fed anything other than her dog food, I made sure of that... So we're switching her dog food to see if that helps any. She's gotten big too, she's finally started to fill out. She'll be a year in February.

Well... I guess that's all for now... click below to see some extreamly cute pictures tho.

This is the most recent of Roxie taken about 5 minutes ago. haha... She's sleeping - like usual.

This is the most recent of Gizmo after his big fight with Clifford. He had to take a nap, he just wore him right out!

These next 4 of Gizmo were all taken last night...

I caught him off guard... Which pravoked the attack...

Barking at me for taking the first picture

Lunging at me for continuing to photograph him lol It was so cute!

This one... He finally decided to give up after Roxie stepped in and had her word

Roxie loves her Binkies... hehe... These are so cute!

These two are our family pictures that we FINALLY got done in December:

Here are just some more pictures that are cute:

This was the first day Gizmo came to his new home!

He was sleeping on the arm of the couch and fell off... This is how he slept for the next hour. hehe

His ducky is bigger than he is!

It's official... They love eachother!

Roxie really is a bum! Laying on the pillow and UNDER the blanket.. Geez... She sleeps better than me! lol

Roxie being lazy... Like usual!

Alrighty... That's all... hehe... I hope everyone is doing well, and that you all had a wonder Holiday! Sorry that I'm not around more often.

Vacation

Mon, 04 Jul 2005 21:23:08 GMT

Yup yup. My first vacation in ages. We're going camping in Masonville. Anyone wanna join??? lol Leavin on Saturday night, and coming back the 13th. I'm so tired.... lol BYEEEEEEE

Isn't she a beauty???

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 19:54:07 GMT

Work is killing me... I think I may come back soon. Things are going better. We just got our own place... I put my two weeks notice in at my job, and I've got another one already that's gunna pay me $1.50 more an hour, and give me the hours I want. But right now I'm tired, so I think I'm going to go take a lil nap.

How cute

Sat, 26 Mar 2005 04:31:13 GMT

Can you say "awwwww!!!" It was even cutier to see these two pups do this in person with their little legs hanging through the holes. The first one is Shawn and my pup, Roxie, the second one is of the one he gave his sister, Buttercup.

big smile

Mon, 21 Mar 2005 18:09:10 GMT

Well... I haven't written in here in like, a month or so. But I got something good to talk about, but no one to tell, so I decided to write it here. If I can on this friggen laptop, I keep hitting the wrong keys.

Well, Shawn went to work last night, and while doing his driving route, he driving route, he dropped a bundle of papers off at a store, and while doing so, he noticed 4 puppies huddling underneith the bench whinning, and freezing cold. Mind you, it was raining/snowing/sleeting, and they had iceicles hanging from them. But he didn't want to get involved, cause he knew his mom would have a fit if he brought home puppies. So, he just drove off, but about a block away, he turned back around and picked them up. There were 2 male and 2 female. He drives one of those huge white cargo vans, which is full of newspapers. But he has a HUGE garbage can to put the old newspapers in from the venders, so he stuck them in there while he did his route. When he got back to the Daily Star, one lady took of the males, but no one else wanted one. Thought they were cute, but didn't want one. So Chris, the guy Shawn was driving around with, and who also drive Shawn to work a couple of times before we moved, and before he got his car. He said he would take 2 home, but he wasn't sure if he could keep them cause he already had 6 dogs, 4 kids, and a wife. But he took those 2, the other male, and one female, and Shawn brought the other one home. When he came in the room, he always wakes me up, just by opening the door, and I could see he was holding something, and just the way he was holding it, brought back memories. He sat down on the bed, and I said, "What do you have?" He was like, "nothing". And then he turned away, but I wasn't stupid. My father held my dog Cocoa the same way when he first brought her home. So I was like, "Shawn, no... You don't have a dog do you??? Mommy's gunna kill you!" Well, after a few minutes playing around with the puppy, he went out on the porch to talk to mommy about it. I told him, if she flipped, tell her I'd talk to my dad about it, cause my step mom has always wanted a rottie. Mind you, it's a pure rottie. And I told him to tell his mom if they didn't want it, we'd find a home for it. Well, he took her (the puppy) out to mommy, and this is what I heard mommy say... "If it's an animal, Shawn, no, there will be war here, and I mise well just pack up my things now and leave." Then there was more talking, and then they went into the living room, and then Shawn came back with a huge smile. He conned mommy into keeping it by giving it to April for her brithday since her birthday was 2 days ago. On top of that, mommy told him to go get the other two, the female for him and I, and the male for his father. So... We gotz a puppy! We named her Roxie. She's really cute, there's pictures at the bottom. She's really quiet and shy/scared unlike the other two. She's currently sleeping with Shawn inside his arm. But someone obviously at first thought they were going to keep them, cause they docked their tails. But then later, they must have decided not to, cause when Shawn found them, they're fur was all ratted up and uncared for, and they were starving. We gave them milk and small dog food, and they chowed it down. The other two are sleeping in the laundry room, and since mommy is here, than so is her dog, Velvet, and Velvet doesn't like anything, but she's sleeping on the bed at Shawn's feet. But I'm happy... Now I won't be alone at night when Shawn goes to work except for Tuesdays, cause he's going to take her with him on Tuesdays. But we got a puppy! And here are some pictures...

Oh my...

Fri, 18 Feb 2005 07:10:22 GMT

This is the first time I've opened up, in a long time....

Dear Shawn,
I cried again last night... I don't know if you care or not... I'm not so sure about much anymore... I know if I tell you, you'll just ask me why, and I'll just give you my usual answer. But it's so much more than that. I don't tell you cause you never want to listen. I feel worthless and useless... I feel ugly and unwanted in more than just a physical way. And I'm in so much pain. There are so many times I just want to grab you, and make you listen to me. Just make you shut up and hear what I have to say. Make you understand all the pain I've been put through from you physically and mentally. I get so mad at you sometimes, I just want you to get it... But you don't, cause you never take the time to listen and understand me. After 2 years, I've always hoped it'd get better, but it hasn't. You don't listen, even when you promise you will. You make me feel like shit, you belittle me and crumble me to a state so low I can't even find myself. There are times I just wish I could force you to listen and understand... And on top of that, there are times that I just wanna hit you, and make you feel the pain you've put me through emotionally and physically. You say the stupidest shit sometimes, and you really don't get how bad it hurts me inside. I just want you to feel what you've made me feel. I asked you once if there was ever anything you regretted doing in life... You said no... Well good for you... I don't know if that means it's safe to assume you enjoyed cheating on me, and seeing me crumble in agony, or not. But there's 3 things in life that I regret... I regret my first abortion, cause it tore us apart, no matter how much you deny it... I regret cheating on you, cause it not only hurt you, it hurt me too... And I did it only out of anger and pain... I also regret having the second abortion. You promised me you'd be there for me, and you'd listen to me... But when I cried, you walked away... Or you just yelled at me and called me a baby... Told me to get over it. It's not that easy for me though, maybe it is you... You didn't feel it inside of you... You didn't feel or see it as a miracle of life that deserved a chance without being run away from. You saw it as a problem, as a nusence, even something that didn't really exist. But it existed to me, and you never cared to really be there for me, and find that out. After two years, why are we still like complete strangers? I know I love you, and no matter how bad you may hurt me, I could never bring myself to leave you. I love you too much... I think it may be curse to love you as much as I do, cause it hurts me. But you don't see it. You never let me forget for one day, that I'm not exactly what you want... That I'm not the perfect woman you dream about. And it hurts me, cause I know it's things like that, that are going to end us sooner or later. I know it's going to happen, as much as I've always closed my eyes and tried to convince myself it was just a nightmare. But it's not, and I know you know that too. I love you so much... And I really don't think that you believe that, or feel exactly the same way. You are perfect in my eyes... If you wanted to ever change a part of yourself, I would look at you as no less, or more perfect. You have flaws, I'm not going to say you don't... But it still makes you perfect. But that's not how you see me... You always want something different about me... And this keyboard is drenched with my tears.

I don't know if you're going to read this... I hope you will, but a part of me doubts it. Cause I can't tell you, cause you never want to listen. I know I'm going to be gone at the end of this month, and there's nothing I can do to stop it... I'm trying the absolute best that I can to get a job, to get even an education... But it's not working. And I know if I leave to get an education at my fathers, or my mothers... It's going to be the end of us... I don't want that, but I know it's what'll happen if I leave. Being with you these past few months has been the only time in a really, really long time, that I actually felt like I was loved and wanted. It may have only been by just you... But it's a lot more than what I'd been with in a long time... It's felt really good... But I should have known... Everything this good, has gotta come to an end at some point. I know for a fact, I will never let you go... But I know you'll let me go... You have before... I tried it once, but I didn't succeed... You tried it, and you got it... And how I got you back, I don't know... But I do know, this last time was the hardest to get you back... And I'm pretty sure it was the last time I'd be fighting for you, and win. Cause I almost didn't make it.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense to you at all. I know it does to me... But then again, I'm crying, and have so much going through my mind, it might just sound like jibberish. I think you might even get royally pissed off at me because of this letter. But I had to write it... I had to get you to see at least a little bit of what's going on in my mind...

I love you, Shawn.... And I'm so sorry... For everything I've done to you, and haven't done. I wish you could forgive me, but no matter how many times I've said that... I know you never fully have. I can feel the tension, and I know that's why things get worse and worse between us. I will never give up on you... Even if you're not there anymore... I know, I'll still keep rooting for you, even long after I've given up on myself. I'm sorry for everything... I love you though... More than anything, I can't even begin to explain that....

Always,
Cassandra

The two always seem to fit together somehow...

Comments aren't allowed.

...

Sat, 12 Feb 2005 02:31:07 GMT

Well... Here's the deal... I'm not gunna be on deadjournal for awhile. Everything worth writing about... I can't face to be able to even think about without breaking down... So I'm just going to dissapear for awhile, and I'll be back when I get through all this. When that will be, I'm not sure. I understand if you remove me from your friends list, espically if you do cuts, cause I know I won't be reading anything to comment and say to leave me. I will come back, but I understand if you don't want to wait.

On the other hand... Shawn and I made it two years. Today was our anniversery. Not like we did anything, or are going to be able to... Cause we WERE going to go out tomorrow, but we can't, cause Jay's taking his car (without asking of corse) and he works 2-9pm. So, pisses me off, cause I mean, come on! I'd like to do something romantic with my fiancee without people getting in the way... But hey, I'm shit outa luck, aren't I? Guess I'll be over at Ronnie and Alittas with Shawn once he gets up in the afternoon... Irritates me, but hey... Who am I to say anything that concears Shawn and I only, cause this is "April's house". But whatever, I'm not getting into this, I don't need to get all upset again. The reason why I'm leaving deadjournal for awhile.

I really don't want any sympathetic comments or anything. SO just... Really, no comments would be great... But I'm not gunna turn um off, so... I guess if I get what I don't want, it's my own fault.... Bye

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 01:37:47 GMT

5 hours later...... I'm crying uncontrolably, and in such bad pain I just wanna die...... It's almost unbearable, and so much worse than the first time........ I was 12 1/2 weeks, in other words, I was pregnant WHILE I had a normal period.... Shawn left, he'll be back in a few, hopefully we can go next door and I can just hide from these people.... I can't even eat.....

Mon, 07 Feb 2005 15:57:03 GMT

Tomorrow at 1:30... Expect 4 hours...... I called planned parenthood and asked them about my medicaid card.... They told me I didn't need the card to go... I just needed a copy of the paper. Well.... I was crying before I even got off the phone when I found that out... So I called the clinic... And they had an opening for tomorrow... She called about my card, and got the info, and the number and all.... I didn't ask her if I needed the paper for it again, but I hope I don't, cause I don't have it. Hopefully Shawn's light he's selling on ebay, whoever wins it will pay through paypal, otherwise we have no gas money to go down there.... SO yeah... If they don't pay through paypal... We're fucked, cause they don't have any other openings... So yeah.... Not like I even know how paypal works, all I know is Shawn can use his bank card for gas, and it'll use the paypal money.... *sighs* I'm so fucked......

Sat, 05 Feb 2005 19:43:19 GMT

blah blah blah... Why doesn't this work... &heart; &HEART; & Heart; &heart ;

Sat, 05 Feb 2005 04:33:15 GMT

PURPLE PIGGIES!!!!!!!!! It didn't work to get my mind off of being tickled, cause I blurted it out, but I was laughing too hard to actually get the picture in my head. At least it made Shawn stop and laugh. :P so.. PURPLE PIGGIES!!!!!! Must go find a picture of purple piggies now... lol

<-- Purple pig... Nothing came up for purple piggies. Ish cute!

I am alive...

Fri, 04 Feb 2005 05:15:37 GMT

Just a lot of stuff is going on. I still haven't gotten my medicaid card... It doesn't make sense... Last time I got it in less than a week. It's been over 2 weeks now... Meaning now I'm more like 9-10 weeks pregnant. That leaves less than 4 weeks for it to come. Cause I can't have an abortion after 14 weeks. I refuse to risk it after 14 weeks, and Shawn IS aware of this. He knows it's beginning to look like a huge possibility now, cause no mail is turning up ANYwhere since we moved. Not for him, his sister, me, anyone. Him and I went to Norwich on Monday night to see his and my friends. Nikki and Kendall... I talked to Nikki about being pregnant. She was there for me the last time I was. She got so mad at Shawn when she found out he'd leave if I had it. And kept making sure he heard her say, "THIS BABY COULD BE A REALLY GOOD THING FOR THE TWO OF YOU!" But if the medicaid card doesn't come in time.... She's offered me the room off the kitchen to stay in till her and Kendall move to Syracuse come June. The baby won't be born yet... But maybe by then, Shawn will have a better job, and Nikki can get me in where she's working, and together, hopefully we can afford our own place. Nikki talked to Shawn about it, and for once, he didn't run away. I think he may actually do it if the card doesn't come. Which will be a relief. I mean, weird thing with me is, when I can picture something happening, it doesn't happen. When I can't picture it happening, it happens. Well, I can picture having another abortion, but I can't picture getting a big belly and having, I mean literally having a baby. So it worries me a little bit. My sides have been hurting so bad, and on Sunday I started bleeding... Lightly, I mean, really lightly, but there was deffinetly blood. It only lasted a day and a half... But at least it got his mom and sister off my back about being pregnant. But it scared me. As of today, I can no longer lay on my tummy... It hurts too much. Maybe it was sooner, I'm not sure. I haven't really been laying on my tummy for a few days now. Only cause it was more comfortable on my side lately. But none the less, my sides have been really killing me, like cramping, almost like muscle spasms. I'm going to call Planned Parenthood on Monday and ask them about it. They're only open on Mondays and Thursdays. Today was a rougher day. I was laying with Shawn in the bed, and (we finally got cable today) we were watching TV, and I couldn't get a full breath. Then everytime I breathed in heavy, it hurt my sides, then after dinner, I got really lightheaded and felt like I was going to be sick. Now mind you, I'm not sapossed to be able to throw up, just feel really nausious cause of my stomach surgery... But we found out about a year ago, I could, cause I got really sick with the flu. But I haven't gotten sick since, so I dunno, maybe it was a one time thing. I just feel really shitty today, and so tired. I didn't sleep well last night. But umm... Yeah...

I really don't know how much I'm going to be updating... As you can tell, I feel like I'm living in hell, and talking about what's going on, or even trying to put on a smile and lend out a helping hand or a few good words to a friend is difficult. So, if you decided to delete me from your friend's list, I understand, and I'm truely sorry for not posting more. Maybe in a little while after this is all over it'll be easier. Right now I'm just not too happy with what's going on, and I'm scared of what may happen. So.... I am alive.... At least I think that's what you call this. But, take care everyone. I'll try to comment or post on my good days, but I dunno when those will be. Buh-byes...

Poor baby

Fri, 21 Jan 2005 04:41:44 GMT

Muh poor Shawny! God damned state snow plow! *shakes fists at him* He hit muh Shawny in the company van last night, cremated the van, totalling it, and hurting muh Shawny. :( Shawn was going up the road, and the plow was coming down, Shawn pulled over as far as he could to the side, and the snow plow lifted the plow, but not enough, and it clipped the side of the van, putting it to a dead stop, scraping it all down the side till the back end pushed into the ditch. The front window shattered in his face, and thank god, he had his hood up cause he had just had his window down, and he was cold. If it wasn't for that hood, he would have gotten glass all in his face. And his stupid job... He couldn't go to the hospital, cause they told him, if he did, he would have no choice but to go on workers comp, and they refuse to pay it, so they'd fire him. How fucked up is that?!? At least he doesn't have to pay for the van since it wasn't his fault. He's hurtin tho, espically his shoulder. He'll be okay, I just feel bad for him. The guy driving the snow plow was so mad at himself. He felt really bad to, appologised to Shawn and all, and said in his 30 years of driving a snow plow, he never once hit anyone. Shawn told him, "well, ya just did." Shawn was nice about it thought, he was in too much shock to be mad. He wasn't even quite sure what happened. All he can remember is hearing a boom, a scrape, and another boom. So the van's totalled, but... He's okay. I felt so bad for him. I don't really feel like talking about anything else... So I'll just leave it al that. Night

--NO MORE PAPER ROUT FOR ME! FINALLY! HAHA STUPID KIDS!

Duh

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 04:05:31 GMT

Well I'm smart... NOT! I deleted the wrong post this afternoon. I deleted the one explaining what Shawn and I decided, instead of the one that was meant for a support group that I accidently posted in my regular journal. Oh well...

Problems... hah

Wed, 19 Jan 2005 17:06:25 GMT

I feel like I've got the weight of my world put on my shoulders. Who knew 2 words could make you feel 1000lbs heavier..

I'll tell you a little bit about myself before I go and explain my problems...

Name: Cassandra
Age: 16
Marital Status: Engaged (Been with him for 2 years come February)
Occupation: Currently changing
State: New York, USA (upstate)
Picture: In my user info
Interests: Reading, writing, music, poetry, drawing, art, talking, shopping, horse back riding, sports, traveling
A little extra: I do not live at home due to my step father beating me, and i do not live with my biological father due to the reason he is an alcoholic. So for the past 2 1/2 months I have been living with my boyfriend (fiancee now) his sister, her boyfriend, and their 8 month old daughter.

As for my problem.... * takes a deep breath *

My boyfriend (Shawn) and I have been together for almost 2 years now. In August of 2003, I got pregnant. I was 14 at the time, and he was 20. I ended up terminating the pregnancy cause there was no one I would be able to support the child, or go through with the pregnancy for various reasons. I beg of you, I know plenty of people completely despise against abortions... But at that time, it was really the best thing for me. And I still believe I made the right decision to this day. I will admit though, it was not easy. I am still not over it a year and a half later. And I could never go through it again. I was an emotional wreck after it, and still am every-now-and-then to this very day. I hated myself for going through with it, cause it split my b/f and I apart to the point he was so mad at himself, he took it out on me, as I did to him. And we both ended up cheating on one another. Since then, we've had our ups and downs, and I'll come straight out and tell you, ever since his sister (April) moved back to New York from FL... Our relationship has gotten really hard. She hates me to no end, and has wished my death upon me plenty times. But obviously, we're still together if I'm living with him....

A little background on Shawn... September of 2003, Shawn went to jail. He choose to go to jail for 2 months instead of going through probation for 6 years and loosing me. The reason for him being on probation in the first place? When he was 17, he was with a 15 year old... The day he turned 18, she got mad that he wouldn't spend the day with her, and wanted to go out with his buddies... She charged him with rape. Unfortunately, they believed her considering she's a female, and her parents backed her up. Even though they were living together IN the parents house, and they all knew they were having sex. It doesn't make sense, but it's what happened. He was on probation a little after I bet him, till he went to jail. He was in there from September 24th till November 14th 2003. He got out early on good behavior. Going to jail also erased any records he would have gotten had he stayed on probation.

Now today, January 17, 2005... On December 13th, I had gone to planned parenthood to get on birth control. I had a pap done, and last week, it came back abnormal. I had not had my period since November 24, 2004. I started getting some gross discharge, so I called them up, and made another appointment. I was positive that I wasn't pregnant cause I had absolutely no signs that I did my last pregnancy. Well I went there, when they found out I hadn't had my period since November, they decided to give me a pregnancy test.... It came back positive. There's absolutely no way I can emotionally make it through another abortion. I honestly want to have this child and raise it... But my boyfriend is scared shit less. Which, in all honesty, I don't blame him. Since he's been in trouble with younger women before, I know he'd be screwed if anyone turned him in... And unfortunately... His sister is just that person. I ended up telling him the clinic cause I didn't know how he would react. When he came in the room, I was crying, and I couldn't even look at him. I could just tell out of the corner of my eye that he had a look of concern on. he held me, and asked me what was wrong... I told him, "I'm pregnant." He just held me and rubbed my back and neck and leg. The doctor asked him how he felt about it... He said scared. Not about having the baby, but about what other people would say and do. Which, I don't blame him for. The car ride back home was the most painful thing in the world. Cause I soon as we walked out of the door of the office room, I felt as if I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I felt so weighed down, it was hard to even move. And it was pure silence. He didn't say a thing until we had been home for about 10 minutes. At the office, the doctor asked him what he thought about it, and he said it was up to me about what I was going to do. He eventually called me into the bedroom where he was laying down watching TV. While I was in the living room crying since no one was home. He was completely different at home. He asked me what I was going to do. I told him I didn't know... He said he wasn't going to go to jail for him.... He said not to be surprised if he didn't come home from work in the morning. I asked him if he'd come back eventually, and he said no. I could tell he was just mad in general. He ate, beat up the kitty cat for breaking the best pot, and he was better... But still... I don't know what to do. He's not the easiest person to talk to. He works all night and morning, and sleeps all day. I want this child, I want him to be around, I want him to take a chance on a life he created. Yet, I don't want to loose him in that chance. I know what it's like to grow up without a Daddy, and there is no way I would allow that to happen to my child. I told him I wanted to keep it, he told me I could do what I want, and he feels bad, but if I keep it, he can't be around. In all honesty, I don't blame him in the least. I know darn well if I was in his shoes, I would do the same thing. It just really doesn't make it any easier for me in any way. Cause I can't go through another abortion, and I can't go through labor. So I'm stuck in something where I don't see a way out no matter which way I choose to go.

I did start writing this a few days ago, but I had to stop. Since then, we agreed on an abortion, cause another baby could happen down the road. But currently, he was a lot more important to me than the baby. He feels shitty about making me go through it again, but I refuse to loose him, and allow my child to grow up without it's Daddy. That conversation took place yesterday. I had also asked him, "Why can't we take a chance?" In a way, I want to, yet in another way, I don't. For I don't want to take that chance and loose everything I've got. It was kind of funny... Last night, Shawn's sister said to her 8 month old daughter, "It's time for another little brother or sister, huh Shiann?" Her boyfriend just about choked on his ice cream, and I was laughing about it. I was going into the bedroom to give Shawn his ice cream, and just as I got into his room, his mom goes, "I think it's time for Aunt Cassie and Uncle Cracker to start working on a little cousin." Shawn didn't really like hearing that, and I know it made him feel even worse. But like I said, I don't blame him. This morning when Shawn got home though, it was like, 6:30am. He told me to get him up at 2pm if he wasn't already up. I asked him why, and he said, "So we can talk." I really don't know what about, and I told him we could talk right then, but he wanted to wait. So I decided not to call the clinic and make an appointment to get on medicaid, and another appointment for the abortion.

I really have no one to talk to about any of this. Like I said, he's not the greatest listener/talker, and he's usually working or sleeping. I need someone to talk to, and in a way, 'hold my hand' through it all. Figuratively speaking that is. So... That's why I came here, in hopes that maybe I could find someone to talk to. Maybe even someone who's gone through what I'm going through. If you read my main journal, it goes into more detail than I was able to put in here. I just keep getting distracted, and it's making it hard for me to be as detailed as those posts.

Well... Thanks for reading my like, novel if you even made it through without falling asleep.

~Cassandra ---Holding on as strong as I can, even though I feel like my back is breaking under the weight of the world---

Tue, 18 Jan 2005 02:55:49 GMT

oh somebody help me please.... I'm so scared, and so confused, and I have no idea what to do, and no one to even talk to who understands what i've been through, and am going through.....

Who want's the results?.....

Mon, 17 Jan 2005 22:41:36 GMT

I came in and filled out the paper work. Told the lady at the desk I hadn't gotten my period since around November 24, 2004. She said they would deffinetly want to do a pregnancy test. So while I was filling the paperwork out, the lady came into the waiting room and asked me if I was having any symptoms of being pregnant, I told her no. I had been pregnant before, and I knew I was pregnant by 5 weeks. I also told her we had used protection, and I was almost positive I wasn't pregnant. I told her I'd be pretty mad if I was cause I had used protection, but I wasn't really worried about it, cause I knew I wasn't. I finished filling out the paper work, she gave me a cup to go pee, and sent me into the back room. She came in, and I smiled at her. She just looked at me with this look... I can't even explain it... And I knew it right then... I told her, "I don't like that look..." She said, "It came back positive." I just broke down crying and continually said "shit" and "I dunno what I'm going to do... I can't go through another abortion." She said if I wanted to tell Shawn there, I could, to think about it, and the other lady would be in in a few to look at me as to why I was having the brown discharge. She came in, and explained to me that she was worried about the meds they had put me on in december cause it could have hurt the baby if I decide to keep it. She said it's been awhile, and since I showed no signs, that it should be okay, just when I go to an OBGYN, I need to explain to them what I took, and when. And it turns out, I still have the infection, but they can't give me anything for it till the third trimester. So she finished up, and the other lady came back in... She asked me if I had decided how I was going to tell Shawn, and I told her I couldn't be the one to tell him. She said she could be in the room, but I had to be the one to tell him. As soon as she left the room to go get him, I started crying. He came in, and I couldn't even look him in the face. He seemed so concearned, and he knelt down next to me, held me and asked me what was wrong... I told him, "I'm pregnant. I dunno what to do." He said, "I dunno either." Then nothing was said from anything, I continued crying, and he continued holding me and rubbing my leg and back to comfort me, then he told me not to cry... He told the lady he's not afraid of having the baby, it's what other people will say and do. And since he's already gotten in trouble with the law with being with a younger female before, it's not like they'd really give him a fair chance. The lady asked him what he thought about it, and he told her, "It's up to her what she want's to do." He continued holding me and rubbing my back/neck/leg/knee... She said to him that I really didn't want to go through another termination, cause she guessed I had a really hard time emotionally dealing with it... He nodded as if he understood. She filled out the paperwork, and we walked out of the room. The minute we walked through that door... I felt as if I was carrying the world on my shoulders. Nothing was said the entire walk of the building, wait for the copy of one paper, or drive in the car back home. He went straight to bedroom, not saying a thing, and layed down under the blankets with the TV on. I couldn't go in... I felt like I was going to topple over with the weight I felt like I was carrying. So I sat in the chair in the living room and cried since no one was home. (April had gone to a doctors appointment in Binghamton for her back) He eventually called me in the room, and he was just a completely different person than he was in the office. He asked me what I was going to do. I told him I didn't know. I asked him what he wanted, and he said, "As I said there, it's up to you." I tried to explain to him that it's OUR child, that we both made it, and we BOTH need to make a decission together. He said I mise well just blame it all on him like I did last time. I tried explaining to him that I didn't blame it on him. Just he didn't help me make a decission, he said one thing, and refused to say anything else ever again. Terminating it, he's admitted, made us fall apart, he was mad at me for it, and mad at himself for letting me do it... And I was mad at myself for letting myself go through it... And I was so mad, I took it out on him. But I never really blammed him. It takes two people to make a baby, he sure as hell didn't rape me, and I sure as hell didn't clime upon myself and get myself pregnant. It was both of us, we're both to blame. We used protection every time except once, unless the condom broke or something, I really don't know. But Shawn was just really short with me when we got home, trying to talk to him. He was putting it all on me again. It's not all my decission. Yeah, it may be my body, but it's OUR kid, WE made it, it's OUR responcibility. He told me not to be surprised if he didn't come home tonight... I asked him if he would come home eventually, and he refused to answer me. Eventually, he did, and said no. I told him not to do this to me. I needed him now more than ever, and I didn't want to loose him over being pregnant, AGAIN. He told me he wasn't going to go to jail for me... I don't know what's going to happen... The cat knocked the pan off the stove in the kitchen... Shawn went running out, and sadly, took his anger out on the cat, beating the shit out of it... I just wanted to grab him and hold him, but I was so afraid he'd push me away even further. He eventually calmed down after he ate, he got me food too... And he was nicer then. I kissed his arm, and he kept whipping it off. I told him to stop whipping it off, and he told me it wasn't permanent there, there were only two places that it was permanent. So I tried kissing his lips, and he was smiling and covering his mouth so I couldn't, I eventually did. Then I asked him where the other spot was, and he goes, "my left nut" I was like, "yeah okay" then he tells me he's feeling it, so I put my hand down there just to see, and the fucking lier was just horney and wanted me to touch him. He'd been horney since he got home from work this morning. lol So I started... Well... Giving him head. He goes, "this is how it all started you know." I said to him, well it's not like I can become pregnant again if I'm already pregnant." so he said, "True... In that case, take your pants off." So yeah, we hadn't down any sexual thing in like, got, 2-3 weeks... So it wa pretty fast... But he just laid there on top of me afterwords not saying anything, and I just held him as I tight as I could and kept saying, "i love you." When he finally took his head out of the pillow, his eyes were blood shot, and his face was all red.... It looked like he was crying, but I was too afraid to ask... I went to the bathroom after he poped the zits on my face, and I came back in and layed next to him at the computer while he was looking up parts for his thunderbird. And I ended up falling asleep till his mom and sister and jay came home. The second I came out of the bedroom, April was questioning me, "So what'd they say, why aren't you getting your period?" I told her "I've just got that infection again" and Jay handed me the baby, so I quickly changed the subject and got involved with her. Then later while I was doing the dished she asked again, "So did they say when you were going to get your period?" I told her, "Eventually" Which in all honesty, is not a lie. I will get it eventually. She never asked if I was pregnant, so there was nothing I had to lie about. She asked if they gave me meds for the infection, and I told her no. She didn't ask why, that I know of at least, cause that's when I got myself distracted by the stinky baby. (that's what Shawn and I call her) April made subs for everyone, and Shawn was in the room looking something up, and so I brought him his, and i kissed him on the cheak, he told, "Just don't say anything yet." I told him, "I didn't, I just changed the subject." Since they've been home I've managed to hold my head up high and put on my best, "everything's great" face. Shawn and Jay went down to Binghamton to the junk yard to get some parts for their cars that they despretly need. Once they left, I started packing Shawn's room more. All that's left pretty much is the big stuff and CD's, and whatever is in that scary closet....

But yeah....

I'm pregnant....

I'm 7-8 weeks....

The baby will be due August 31, 2005....

I don't have long to decide what I'm going to do....

Doctors tomorrow

Mon, 17 Jan 2005 05:41:21 GMT

I know I haven't updated, Shawn and I are having problems... And I know why... I'm too afraid to let go, and let myself completely trust him. I'm hanging on for dear life with one hand, trying to hold myself steady from trusting him... Cause I'm just so afraid of getting hurt again....

I still haven't gotten my period... I got a call less than a week ago that my pap results came back and... Well, they were abnormal, and they said there was a possibility it could be cancer. They said they'd send the results in the mail. I read it, and so did Shawn, as he put it... "It's either nothing or you're screwed." There's 3 catagories that it could be... 1) Nothing 2) Something uncurable 3) Cancer Well, I started getting some brown discharge the other day, so I called the clinic and made an apointment, which amazingly, they had an opening in less than a week. Last time I had to wait a month. So I have it tomorrow (17) at 10am. So hopefully we'll be able to figure out what's wrong.

I haven't been sleeping well... No wonder, I'm up now. I don't know why, I'm just not comfortable in any way, and every time I lay down, I get really short of breath. I'm getting the cramps back, and they almost feel like my gas bubbles did, but it's down a lot lower, so I dunno. As for the shortness of breath, I dunno... I'm sick of my body being all fucked up. I'd just like to be healthy for once. But yeah, not like that's ever going to happen. Well... I'll update the next time I have a chance. We're in the process of moving, so it's not going to be too easy. Bye

. . .

Wed, 05 Jan 2005 22:04:44 GMT

Well, I see everyone loves commenting to put Shawn down and tell me he's no good, EVEN when I say I don't want to hear it... Yet no one can say a damn thing when I actually WANT comments on a situation. But fine.... Probably won't be around for awhile anyways... BYE

hmmm...

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 05:06:03 GMT

Well, I dunno how much I'll be updating cause they might be shutting the internet off. And the bitch (April) is out there complaining about me as usual as if I'm deaf. "There's going to be rules cause this is bullshit, these dishes have been here since last night. I'm going to have a talk with them when he gets home." Them is Shawn and I, him is Shawn from work. Now get this. Last night SHE did the dishes, the only thing I ate after that was a bowl of ice cream and a spoon, WHICH I CLEANED! That's all I ate on any silverware, plate or glass. So she really needs to shut up and learn the fucking facts. Cause the next thing she said was, "They could have done the dishes while we were gone, she's not fucking helpless." No, I'm not, yet not one thing in there was mine, nor did anyone ask me to do anything, and I was doing shit for Shawn. I really can't wait till we get our own place, cause I know for a fact, SHE is the god damned reason him and I have become the way we are. We were so good until she came up from florida a year and a half ago. Ever since then Shawn and my relationship has gone all to hell, and looking back at it... I really do see why. We fight constantly, and it all starts because of something she said or did, or is bitching about. She needs to grow up. We're moving to Afton with them in the beginning of February. We're only on the lease "temporaraly". For 2 months. Well, we gotta give them $300 a month, Shawn should be getting his taxes, he should have 2-3 more checks besides the 2 he'll have to give to her, and hopefully with all that, him and I can get our own place. The place were gunna be moving into... It's got 2 bedrooms, living room, huge kitchen, large bathroom, large pantry. Well, the one bedroom has its own entrence/exit, and it's got a lock on the door. Well it's already been decided, that room is Shawn and mine. And like Shawn said... If he's paying her $300 a month for rent and our share of utilites, he doesn't want to hear shit from her. Yet it's already fucking starting, and as soon as I tell him what she said tonight, he's gunna flip the fuck out. He also agrees that she's the reason for us beginning to hate eachother. And he promised he wouldn't let her shit come between him and I anymore as much as it has. He should be getting around $1,500 in taxes, so we should be able to get a place on that plus 2-3 $400-$500 checks. I can't stand her, and she just starts shit, and she knows. Like earlier, Mommy asked Shawn what happened to his b-b-gun. He told her, exact words, "Cause somebody left it outside in the rain." Mind you, it was April who promised since she forgot it out there, she's get him a new one... Well, she was in the bathroom, came out and started running off with a month that he called her dumb. She's like, "I'm not dumb, I'm not going to take that shit!" Mommy said to her, "He did not say dumb, he said SOMEBODY." But no... We forgot, April's always right, and she said, "No he didn't, he said dumb, I'm not going to take this bullshit..." blah blah blah. Like Shawn said, "I hope she gets into a car accident and dies. And as mean as that is.... I hope she dies soon too. That baby deserves so much better than her or Jay, and everyone would be so much better without her bitching and complaining about every little thing. Like a few weeks ago, she flipped out calling me names, telling me to "pack my shit and get the fuck out you nasty slut" all because Shawn got her a sub from subway and put mayo on it when she didn't want it... OVER A FUCKING SANDWICH! And she blamed it on me when I'm not even the one who ordered it, and she was telling Shawn he was going to jail for threatning her when he didn't do shit. How fucking sad??? Over a damn sandwich. Does that give you any idea about what type of person she is? Nothing is good enough, and even when it's what she wants, it's still not good enough. I'm just sick of her. I wish we had the money to move into this one place that's $400 a month and includes all utilies. Problem with that, they want 800 down, and it's a little further from his work, and he's $75 short for buying Robs thunderbird. So he doesn't have the money for the place, or a decent viachle to transport him. Gah. So sick of her. I just want out.... 3 months.... 3 months... That's all..... Lord help us get money together and saved and be able to find a decent affordable place to live, and a real job for me.... I beg of you, please....

EDIT We got a problem.... I had my period last month around Thanksgiving..... Well..... I haven't gotten it since. I have been having horrible cramps for the past 2 weeks, so bad I was in tears last night, and Shawn felt so bad he went out and got me a treat. hehe That's the good part tho. Well anyways, I had gone to planned parenthood and had a pap done and everything and they gave me birth control, told me to start it when I got my period. Well... They tried to give me a urine test too to see if I was pregnant.... But I couldn't pee, so they never did it. I didn't even think anything of it either because Shawn and I have been really good about using protection. Well, on top of the birth control, I was given 2 pills for a b-i infection or something like that... Well, April and Shawn's mom keep asking me if I took my pills like I was sapossed to.... I know they're talking about the birth control, but I've told them both before, I can't start it till after I get my period, so lately I've been acting stupid and saying yes as if they mean the 2 pills for the infection. Well, tonight in the car right back from taking Shawn to work, mommy asked me if they did a pregnancy test... I told her yes, (not a lie) but then she said, "And you weren't pregnant, right? I said "no". But that's not really a lie either. Cause when I got the pap done, the lady got blood, and had to check when I last had my period to make sure it was normal for that. Well I figured if that was the case, I'd get my period in a week or two.... Well.... That was December 13... It's January 2nd now.... I haven't had my period since November 24. I'm starting to worry... Like I told Shawn, if I don't get my period in a week or two, I'm just gunna tell them I did so they don't think I'm pregnant, take a pregnancy test, and hide it all.... I can't... Well, WONT have another abortion. And April will... God knows what she'll do.... I'm just starting to worry. Cause it's gotta be bad when Shawn asks me if I'm pregnant again.... Cause he never asks, and got mad at me before a long time ago for even thinking I might be cause I left similar to when I was pregnant. But last night he asked me, "Do you think you're pregnant again?" I'm trying so hard to ignore the facts of the symptoms that I'm having... No period, upset stomach, nausious after I eat, constapated, peeing more than usual..... But sometimes I get like that when I'm due for my period.... But I've been like this for 2 weeks now.... And I'm starting to worry now... All I've got to my name is $2 while isn't enough to buy a pregnancy test, or I would have done so long ago..... I'm just so scared, cause I know Shawn's not ready for a kid, he'll freak out, tell me I can't keep it, but I can't go through another abortion. I still haven't forgiven myself from the last one.......

HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!

Sat, 01 Jan 2005 03:33:07 GMT

teeheeheehee! :D I'm gettin drunk and listen to loud music and makin out with Shawn... That wisky fucked me the hell up. I'm all spinning now. Can't even pronounce umm.... beverages. yeah. haha BYE! HAPPY NEW YEARS! I get head tonight for drinkin the whisky... hahaha... lets go PAAAAAAAAAAAARTAY!!!!!!!!

zZzZzZz

Mon, 27 Dec 2004 04:09:33 GMT

*yawns* I'm so tired... Just got back from my fathers around 7pm tonight. Went there yesterday for Christmas and spent the night... Shawn proposed tonight... The rings pretty. Actually, looks a lot like the one I got last year cept it's silver, not gold. lol No diamond, but it's pretty. ;) but anyways. He's working now, and I'm laying here in my cute new robe and new pjs. I want to bad to go and burn my macintosh candles... mmmmmmm My favorite. I got 2. But I'm like really tired. I'll upload my pictures in a little bit. I forget what else I was gunna say... I'll update some other time, can't think straight, too tired. Gotta be up at 5am too cuz Shawn wants pussy when he gets home. *rolls eyes* He doesn't realize how good he has it....

...

Sat, 18 Dec 2004 21:24:41 GMT

Thought I'd update... I dunno. Bored as hell. Nothing to do. Nothing ever to do. Haven't felt like updating either... I dunno, in a weird mood lately. I dunno if it's cause I'm due for my period, shit with Shawn, or the holiday season. I dunno... There's so much I wanna say about what's going on... But I'm not going to, cause I'm not in the mood for people telling me to leave Shawn or what-not like they've said in the past. I know they mean well... I just can't take it right now. He's all I have, and even he doesn't want me... I dunno.... To think, Christmas is less than a week away. Shawn's new job pays nice... His first paycheck for only one week was almost $400. He gets paid bi-weekly, so just imagine. $600-800. He's working Christmas in the late evening... So much for doing what he said when I got my gift considering Saturdays are his only days off, and the gas station is forcing him to work that day or get fired. He doesn't get it... I never see him anymore... He's never around. He doesn't show me that he loves me, nor does he even act as if he wants me in ANY way anymore. Today he came straight out and said it... I wasn't going to be around him for Christmas cause he wanted to spend time with his family - people he loved, and I'm not that. He went back to bed, got up 3 hours later (after sleeping an entire 24 hours in less than 48 hours) he was perfectly nice. Kissing me and saying he loved me... Like I told April when she said he was in a better mood... "He's always in a better mood when he sees he's hurt me. I cried right there from just looking at him. It hurt, and still does so bad that he could say that to me... He doesn't want me...At all, for anything. I miss him so much.... I wish he could just see and understand how much I love and care about him, and how much this stuff hurts me inside. Like I told him when he threaten to hit me if I didn't get out of his face, "Go ahead, it won't even come close to hurting me as deeply as your words already have... So I dare you to." I can't ever talk to him, he acts as if I don't give two shits, and never lets me get anything out of my mouth and actually LISTEN to it and CONSIDER it be fore yelling at me for everything being about me or whatever. He works 9pm-7am usually.. He comes home and he sleeps from 8am-dinner which is usually 6pm. Then 3 hours later he's gone again. During those 3 hours he doesn't do shit, he doesn't spend time with me. I don't know what he wants from me... I'm just being completely drained from all this shit. I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing I do is good enough or shows him enough what he means to me. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of him not being around. He doesn't get it... He used to at least spend time with me... Now it's nothing. Everytime I try to get him to understand that, all I get is a nasty fucking attitude, "Everything's about you, you, you". And "Well you can't support yourself, so I have to." And "I don't see you working." And "I work Cassie, I get home and I'm tired, don't like it, then get the fuck out." He's got 2 fucking jobs. The one pays plenty... The other he can say what days to work and what not... But he doesn't stick up for himself there. I'm loosing him... He's literally dissapearing right in front of me. And I'm so afraid he's going to find someone else again. I just wish things could be easier. I do have a job now... $50 a week, maybe more, just got it not even a week ago. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep living and acting as if he loves me and all when he's not even around, and when he is, doesn't show it. Like I said.. I don't know.

Bye

I'm alive....

Tue, 07 Dec 2004 12:56:44 GMT

Sorry, I haven't posted in a few days. I dunno why, just haven't felt like it. I'm stressed to the max right now, and I've already slept 10 hours, so I'm wide awake...

Shawn started his new job on Sunday night. Rico lied to him. Rico is the guy that gave him the interview and everything. He told Shawn he's be a city driver for either East or West Main St in Oneonta. As it turns out, he's only a fill in driver. The pay and hours and everything are still the same, but he's going to be doing different routs canstantly. Which is kind of difficult if he doesn't know the area. But I guess he can't complain. Maybe some day he'll become an actual city driver. Just driving to and from Oneonta every night is a killer on his gas. His truck doesn't keep the gas well as it is. Espically without a muffler. So due to the gas situation, we've decided to look for a place to live in Oneonta. He saw one place when he was delivering on Sunday night/Monday morning above a cigar shop. He thinks he's going to have that rout again tomorrow and he's going to get the number for it. He asked last night if I minded living above a cigar shop. I told him... "I don't care where I live, as long as it's with you."

His sister has hit my limit. If you don't want to hear what's going on with that Bitch, then you might want to skip over this paragraph.
First off, she's got something wrong with her back, and the doctor doesn't want her bending down or anything. Fine, I can accept that. Well, the other day, Shawn's truck broke down while Jay was doing the newspapers alone. We don't know what he did to it, but he did something and broke the alternator belt, and something else that we haven't figured out yet. By the time Shawn got a new belt and put it on, it was around 8am. The papers are posed to be done by 7am. So they both went out with the truck to finish. Well, I had gotten up the same time Shawn did and helped him get the new belt on. I didn't go back to bed. 5 mins before they got back, the baby started crying, and of corse, April yelled for me to get her and change her. Well, as I was coming down the hallway, Jay and Shawn got back. Jay changed the baby. April did emerge from the bedroom. But only to put the baby in the swing and lay down and fall asleep on the couch. Jay had gone and laied down in bed, and I think Shawn had left for work. Well, for the rest of the day if April wasn't sleeping it was "Cassie change the baby, cassie get the baby a bottle, cassie put the baby in the swing, cassie get the babys sock, cassie undress the baby, cassie dress the baby, cassie feed the baby, cassie put the baby in the hi-chair, cassie put the baby in the walker, cassie change the baby, cassie put the baby in her swing, cassie put the baby on her couch, cassie change the baby. Not one fucking time did April do ANYthing for that baby. She didn't change her, feed her, NOTHING. I'm sorry, but that child is not mine, nor my responsibility. I really don't care how damn bad April's back hurt... As she said later that night after Jay was up, "I can pick her up fine when I'm sitting down, my back doesn't hurt then." That means that there is no problem at all for her to change the baby if she's sitting down. Or feed the baby, or place the baby in either a swing, highchair, or walker. And it's not only with the baby that she's like this either. She cannot brush her own hair. She refuses to do it herself. She will go a week without brushing it if no one will brush it for her. Well guess who continually gets stuck dealing with her lice infected head? Me... I got left with it when she HAD the lice. I'm the one who stood there for an hour and got it all out of her head. Now she's got bad dandruff, and the doctor gave her some cream for it... There's no reason in hell that she can't reach up to her head, run her hands over her scelp with the cream on it by herself. But nope... Again, I'm stuck with it. It's fucking disgusting! And ever since Shawn got this new job, both her and Jay act like they know everything about it when they know shit. I know as much as Shawn does, and they don't even know half of that. I was there, sitting right next to Shawn during the interview, so I think I know what's going on! But no... I don't know shit. I got pissed off for being treated like an idiot, so I started to get a little short with them both. I also got sick of Jay picking on me. I can take it to some extent, but there's a limit. And I'm sorry, I don't want his fucking bare ass in my face farting. It's fucking disgusting, and he can get the hell away from me. And when either of them ask me something once and I give them an answer, they can wait, instead of being impatient fucks and continually asking. For example, there was this movie on the other night April wanted me to watch with her, I had come into the bedroom and was on the compuyter for not even 5 fucking minutes. Those 5 minutes, between the both of them, they must have said "Are you going to come watch the movie?" "You're missing the movie." About 15 fucking times. The FIRST time April asked I said to her, "I will be out in a couple minutes." There was no reason for them to keep asking, and it just pissed me the fuck off. It wasn't even a good movie! It fucking sucked. Well, Shawn's mom came up on Sunday afternoon. She wasn't even in the foor 10 minutes, and April started her shit on me again. She had asked Shawn to turn the heat down or off, and he said he would, just wait a minute. She couldn't even wait 5 seconds. Even Mommy was telling her to be patient. But no... April was like, "He's not doing anything, he can turn it down" I said to April, "He is doing something, and he said he'd do it in a minute." She of corse couldn't wait, did it herself, and said in a really snotty voice, "Nevermind, I did it myself." A minute later, Shawn came out of the room, and April went to Mommy, "I'm getting sick of her come-backs, and so is Jay." I would have blown right over the edge right then and there if Shawn hasn't grabbed me, steared me to the bedroom and told me to ignore her. Well... This afternoon, Shawn went back to bed to lay down some more, and his mom told me to go lay down with him cause it wasn't like we were going to be doing anything. I didn't sleep, I just layed with him. Well, not even 10 minutes after I got in there, April started her shit. "He better start looking for a place after Christmas." And tonight.. HAH... Shawn and I were foolin around, he was tickling me and all, and then he ran off down the hall. Well, I came back into the bedroom, and April started talking to me like an idiot. "There's only one board in the hallway, so I hope you like it when you fall threw. There's no running in the house. Don't you know better Cassie?" Give me a fucking break bitch. I wasn't even the one running. So I didn't even bother in going out to the living room. I stayed in the room and turned on the TV. Eventually, Shawn went on the computer, and I laied down behind him and ended up falling asleep. I was still asleep when he went out to the living room. This is what I was told by him that happened. He was just sitting in the chair watching Jay play his PS2, eating his pretzles and drinking his soda. He hadn't said one damn thing to April, and out of nowhere she went, "When are you moving to Oneonta?" He told her, "No one said I was." She said, "Yes you are, I was told. MY mother won't lie." As if they don't share the same mother? They started yelling at eachother and Shawn told her that I'm not her slave, and that type of stuff about making me do everything for her. April told him straight out, "She will do as I say or she will go back to her mothers." Now tonight with the newspapers. I was planning on going. They were sapossed to wake me up when they were ready. Well, I woke up at 3am to Shawn. Confused the shit out of me, but he was delivering the papers that were theirs, and he was going to take me to go give them to them and I could help deliver them. They had left without me in otherwords. Well April overhead Shawn in the room and told him, "Mommy doesn't want her to do." When Shawn asked her why, she said, "Cause she doesn't want to listen to her bitch." Shawn got pissed about what she said, and told me to forget it, go back to bed. When he got home from work, he asked his mom. She never said it. It was April who said it. Cause saposidly when I do the papers, I sleep all day. And April didn't want to hear me bitch in the morning. Umm... One, I have never bitched about doing the papers, two, I have never bitched about getting up in the morning, three, SHE SLEEPS MORE THAN I DO AND I'M NOT THE ONE WITH THE FUCKING 7 MONTH OLD BABY!!!!! I told that to Shawn when he came in the room after talking to his mom. He even said, "I know, but no ones around to see it." So you know what I'm gunna start doing? Writing down during the day every time she falls asleep, when she wakes up, and what she asks me to do. Cause also tonight, not only did April say that we have to start looking for a place in Oneonta after christmas, but I'm going to help out around here when he's at work. I don't know who he is, but I imagine it's Jay since Shawn works nights. It's as if I don't help. Hmm... The day she took the baby to the hospital, I cleaned, no joke, the ENTIRE house..swept, vacuumed, dusted, all that shit. In every single room but hers. The other day I cleaned the ENTIRE kitchen. Plus all the shit I do for HER baby. I'd like to know where she thinks I don't help. Her and Jay are the ones that don't do shit. Neither does Shawn really. ALl April does is cook dinner. Which no one likes her dinners as it is. Shawn will clean a room here and there when asked. Him and I both refuse to clean the liter box. For one, it's not our cat, two, we don't like it nor want it, April's the only one who does. I see no reason why I should have to pick up after something that's not my responsibility. As soon as Mommy got her, and April went into the bathroom, she started bitching about it. Shawn said to her, "It's not my cat, I don't even want the thing, so I'm not cleaning it." She used the excuse, "Well my back hurts." I don't give a shit! Make Jay do it! I'd like to know what the fuck she's going to do once Shawn and I leave. She's going to have to do everything herself cause Jay, 90% of the time, refuses to do SHIT. So yeah... I'm stressed/pushed over the edge by her. And I just fucking dare her to make me out to look like the bad guy.

Yeah.. A long bitching... Sorry.

I was SAPOSSED to have an appointment today at 12:45 at Planned Parenthood to get on birth control. Shawn was scedualed to work on wednesday. Well it was changed to today at 9am-1pm. I'm not going to make him leave early, cause I know he'll bitch, and I know I can't come later than that. I made it on Tuesday cause I wanted HIM to take me, and he had off. But screw it. He refuses to even touch me till I get on birth control, it's his own fault now. All this fucking shit from that Bitch is getting to me. I'm getting pissed at Shawn for simply his hours being changed. It's not even his fault. But I'm not having his mom take me, he doesn't get that. April will find some reason to bitch about it. I want HIM to take me... He's the one who wants me to get on it. But whatever... It's almost 8am now. I mise well end this. Bye...

Also, there's going to be a friends cut soon, cause no one comments. I'll post when I do it.