| New Job |
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| Apr. 26th, 2006 |
11:50 pm | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/stars/tired.gif) tired
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Well... I started a new job last week at Eckerds... I like it so far. The people there are really nice and most of them extreamly helpfull... My boss is already calling me in for more hours and I've only worked about a whole 18 hours... So I guess that just shows he knows I can do my job... Today I went in to cover for a girl and instead of running register, I was stocking and organizing cause they got a truck in... I swear, I was only there for 45 minutes... Or so it felt... I was so busy the time just flew by. A lot better than being at the register just waiting. lol It's kinda sad tho... This other girl who started the same day as I did... She had to call for me to help her about a dozen times today... She didn't even know how to count her drawer or ring up postage stamps... I don't get it... She's had all the same training as me... Oh well... MaryAnn is nice too... She's newer, but not as new as me... Her and I have been "accidently" teaching eachother stuff there. lol She was asking me something about a refund the one day and I just said what would make sense to do and it actually worked...lol Imagine that! My brain DOES have some commen sense to it!
We've gotten a bit behind on our bills and will the first of the month coming up and rent being due... We were almost in the hole badly... But my mother is being nice enough and loaning me $1,000 so I can pay all my bills and what not. We are sapossed to be getting food stamps soon... Whenever they "catch up". Slow ass people... We were told 3-4 weeks... It's been 4 weeks... We called, they said they are behind with that and the family health plus. Which is shitty for Shawn cause he is getting the family health plus and we were already making appointments for him to get glasses again and get his teeth worked on and his stomach checked out... Now we gotta go and cancle it all... But oh well... I can't wait to see what he looks like in glasses tho. lol He used to have them before I met him, but I guess he lost them and hasn't had them since... His eyesight is worse than mine, I don't understand how he can even drive. Ehh... Oh well...
Speaking of driving... I took my 5 hour pre-licencing cource on the Saturday before Easter... So now all I'm working towards is my 20 hours of driving. I'm getting there... My mother let me drive everywhere when I was with her over easter... I just don't get much driving experiance elsewhere cause I refuse to drive the neon since the speedometer doesn't work. Oh well... I'll get there eventually.
Gizmo got a bit bigger... But he's still a lil shithead compared to Roxie. Roxie is doing good tho... She recently cost us a nice $200 vet bill... She was pretty much allergic to herself. lol Damn dog... Oh well... Gotta love her. I went and saw my old dog Cocoa who lives with my mothers ex boyfriend now... Wow... I didn't realize how old she is now... She's 8! I can't believe my father brought her home in 1998... I still remember that night VERY well. lol All the way down to what I was wearing and everything I did with her... hehe... But wow... Her head finally filled out to show the pitt bull in her... But her entire body used to be a blackish/brown... Hense the name Cocoa... And she only had one small patch of white on her chest... Her whole head is covered in white hairs... She's still a happy hyper girl tho... Skinny compared to Roxie's fat ass though. lol But that's from the lab in her.
OH OH! I cut my hair off a month ago.... *innocent* another 12 inches... I've never had it this short before... But I like it, a lot easier to car for and a lot more fun things that I can actually do with it. I've gotten so many compliments on my face lately since I cut my hair... Espically with working over at Eckerds... Never used to get compliments like that at Tops. lol And there I go by Cassandra, so everytime people look at their receipt, they're like, "Oh, what a beautiful name!" lol
Okay, well, my back/neck is bothering me a little bit from this chair... (We need to get a real office chair) And I've got a couple things I still need to do online... So I'm going to end this hear with a picture of the doggies and of my haircut.
It's called a Puppy Stack... They were getting doggie treats and Gizmo had to get a better view. lol
Here are the heat stealers... lol
And my lovely fuzy haircut picture.
I'm too lazy to do an lj cut... lol
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6 comments - Leave a comment |
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| I haven't updated in awhile... |
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| Jan. 6th, 2006 |
11:12 am | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/stars/bitchy.gif) irritated
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I guess I've been a bad girl... I'm still going through shit... I dunno, Shawn keeps saying it's getting better, then the next minute i turn around, it's worse than it was before. Oh well... I guess that's life!
Otherwise... I'm doing good... I got my diploma in December 2005... So now I can really say I graduated. We moved again.. Much bigger place, and tons and tons of yard for the dogs to run around. A big tree farm, it's right next to a main road, but the house is set so far back, you don't even realize it. So, the doggies are enjoying it. Yeah... I know... DoggIES... We got another one... Gizmo, he's a terrior mix. Looks like a rottie, but has 4 white paws and a white chest. Everyone thinks he's Roxies pup. And also... in 3 weeks we're going to be getting a 7 week old Pitt Bull. He's all white with a pink nose. I'ma kill Shawn for it, cause it's not like he helps any with the two we've got... Yeah, they're mine, both of them were a gift for me... But this one is SOOO gunna be his! I told him I'd take it... I'll take any animal that needs a home... But I just want him to help with it, cause I'm still working on getting the new pup potty trained. He's 12 weeks old, he's got it down for the most part... But god... Having 2 pups not potty trained... Better get a shit load of carpet cleaner. I'm really tempted to just stop trying to train Gizmo, cause I know the minute the new puppy comes and goes in the house, Gizmo is going to think it's okay to do it, and i'll just have to start all over again. That happened with Roxie too... But then again, I think it was actually Shawn's fault. Cause she only went in the house the 2 days I was away.. He never took them out... grr... Sometimes he's not very responsible. Roxie is officially a woman though... she's got her period... It's a pain in the ass too... But she's gotta get to the vets... She's got really bad bumps around her mouth and chin that are filled with puss... Kind of like acne... And for the past 3 mornings, around the same times... She throws up. It's almost like she's balemic or sumthin... And it's not like she's been fed anything other than her dog food, I made sure of that... So we're switching her dog food to see if that helps any. She's gotten big too, she's finally started to fill out. She'll be a year in February.
Well... I guess that's all for now... click below to see some extreamly cute pictures tho.
( How cute are these! )
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3 comments - Leave a comment |
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| Vacation |
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| Jul. 4th, 2005 |
05:22 pm | |
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Yup yup. My first vacation in ages. We're going camping in Masonville. Anyone wanna join??? lol Leavin on Saturday night, and coming back the 13th. I'm so tired.... lol BYEEEEEEE
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1 comment - Leave a comment |
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| Isn't she a beauty??? |
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| Jun. 26th, 2005 |
03:51 pm | |
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Current Mood:
tired
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Work is killing me... I think I may come back soon. Things are going better. We just got our own place... I put my two weeks notice in at my job, and I've got another one already that's gunna pay me $1.50 more an hour, and give me the hours I want. But right now I'm tired, so I think I'm going to go take a lil nap.
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1 comment - Leave a comment |
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| *big smile* |
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| Mar. 22nd, 2005 |
12:09 am | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/stars/energetic.gif) excited
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Well... I haven't written in here in like, a month or so. But I got something good to talk about, but no one to tell, so I decided to write it here. If I can on this friggen laptop, I keep hitting the wrong keys.
Well, Shawn went to work last night, and while doing his driving route, he driving route, he dropped a bundle of papers off at a store, and while doing so, he noticed 4 puppies huddling underneith the bench whinning, and freezing cold. Mind you, it was raining/snowing/sleeting, and they had iceicles hanging from them. But he didn't want to get involved, cause he knew his mom would have a fit if he brought home puppies. So, he just drove off, but about a block away, he turned back around and picked them up. There were 2 male and 2 female. He drives one of those huge white cargo vans, which is full of newspapers. But he has a HUGE garbage can to put the old newspapers in from the venders, so he stuck them in there while he did his route. When he got back to the Daily Star, one lady took of the males, but no one else wanted one. Thought they were cute, but didn't want one. So Chris, the guy Shawn was driving around with, and who also drive Shawn to work a couple of times before we moved, and before he got his car. He said he would take 2 home, but he wasn't sure if he could keep them cause he already had 6 dogs, 4 kids, and a wife. But he took those 2, the other male, and one female, and Shawn brought the other one home. When he came in the room, he always wakes me up, just by opening the door, and I could see he was holding something, and just the way he was holding it, brought back memories. He sat down on the bed, and I said, "What do you have?" He was like, "nothing". And then he turned away, but I wasn't stupid. My father held my dog Cocoa the same way when he first brought her home. So I was like, "Shawn, no... You don't have a dog do you??? Mommy's gunna kill you!" Well, after a few minutes playing around with the puppy, he went out on the porch to talk to mommy about it. I told him, if she flipped, tell her I'd talk to my dad about it, cause my step mom has always wanted a rottie. Mind you, it's a pure rottie. And I told him to tell his mom if they didn't want it, we'd find a home for it. Well, he took her (the puppy) out to mommy, and this is what I heard mommy say... "If it's an animal, Shawn, no, there will be war here, and I mise well just pack up my things now and leave." Then there was more talking, and then they went into the living room, and then Shawn came back with a huge smile. He conned mommy into keeping it by giving it to April for her brithday since her birthday was 2 days ago. On top of that, mommy told him to go get the other two, the female for him and I, and the male for his father. So... We gotz a puppy! We named her Roxie. She's really cute, there's pictures at the bottom. She's really quiet and shy/scared unlike the other two. She's currently sleeping with Shawn inside his arm. But someone obviously at first thought they were going to keep them, cause they docked their tails. But then later, they must have decided not to, cause when Shawn found them, they're fur was all ratted up and uncared for, and they were starving. We gave them milk and small dog food, and they chowed it down. The other two are sleeping in the laundry room, and since mommy is here, than so is her dog, Velvet, and Velvet doesn't like anything, but she's sleeping on the bed at Shawn's feet. But I'm happy... Now I won't be alone at night when Shawn goes to work except for Tuesdays, cause he's going to take her with him on Tuesdays. But we got a puppy! And here are some pictures...
( SoooooOOOOooo cute!!! )
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3 comments - Leave a comment |
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| ... |
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| Feb. 11th, 2005 |
09:22 pm | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/stars/cold.gif) freezing
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Well... Here's the deal... I'm not gunna be on deadjournal for awhile. Everything worth writing about... I can't face to be able to even think about without breaking down... So I'm just going to dissapear for awhile, and I'll be back when I get through all this. When that will be, I'm not sure. I understand if you remove me from your friends list, espically if you do cuts, cause I know I won't be reading anything to comment and say to leave me. I will come back, but I understand if you don't want to wait.
On the other hand... Shawn and I made it two years. Today was our anniversery. Not like we did anything, or are going to be able to... Cause we WERE going to go out tomorrow, but we can't, cause Jay's taking his car (without asking of corse) and he works 2-9pm. So, pisses me off, cause I mean, come on! I'd like to do something romantic with my fiancee without people getting in the way... But hey, I'm shit outa luck, aren't I? Guess I'll be over at Ronnie and Alittas with Shawn once he gets up in the afternoon... Irritates me, but hey... Who am I to say anything that concears Shawn and I only, cause this is "April's house". But whatever, I'm not getting into this, I don't need to get all upset again. The reason why I'm leaving deadjournal for awhile.
I really don't want any sympathetic comments or anything. SO just... Really, no comments would be great... But I'm not gunna turn um off, so... I guess if I get what I don't want, it's my own fault.... Bye
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2 comments - Leave a comment |
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| Feb. 8th, 2005 |
08:35 pm | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/stars/sad.gif) uncomfortable
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5 hours later...... I'm crying uncontrolably, and in such bad pain I just wanna die...... It's almost unbearable, and so much worse than the first time........ I was 12 1/2 weeks, in other words, I was pregnant WHILE I had a normal period.... Shawn left, he'll be back in a few, hopefully we can go next door and I can just hide from these people.... I can't even eat.....
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3 comments - Leave a comment |
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| Feb. 7th, 2005 |
10:43 am | |
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Current Mood:
melancholy
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Tomorrow at 1:30... Expect 4 hours...... I called planned parenthood and asked them about my medicaid card.... They told me I didn't need the card to go... I just needed a copy of the paper. Well.... I was crying before I even got off the phone when I found that out... So I called the clinic... And they had an opening for tomorrow... She called about my card, and got the info, and the number and all.... I didn't ask her if I needed the paper for it again, but I hope I don't, cause I don't have it. Hopefully Shawn's light he's selling on ebay, whoever wins it will pay through paypal, otherwise we have no gas money to go down there.... SO yeah... If they don't pay through paypal... We're fucked, cause they don't have any other openings... So yeah.... Not like I even know how paypal works, all I know is Shawn can use his bank card for gas, and it'll use the paypal money.... *sighs* I'm so fucked......
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| Feb. 5th, 2005 |
02:42 pm | |
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blah blah blah... Why doesn't this work... &heart; &HEART; & Heart; &heart ;
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1 comment - Leave a comment |
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| Feb. 4th, 2005 |
11:28 pm | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/stars/silly.gif) weird
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PURPLE PIGGIES!!!!!!!!! It didn't work to get my mind off of being tickled, cause I blurted it out, but I was laughing too hard to actually get the picture in my head. At least it made Shawn stop and laugh. :P so.. PURPLE PIGGIES!!!!!! Must go find a picture of purple piggies now... lol
 <-- Purple pig... Nothing came up for purple piggies. Ish cute!
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| I am alive... |
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| Feb. 3rd, 2005 |
11:49 pm | |
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Current Mood:
crappy
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Just a lot of stuff is going on. I still haven't gotten my medicaid card... It doesn't make sense... Last time I got it in less than a week. It's been over 2 weeks now... Meaning now I'm more like 9-10 weeks pregnant. That leaves less than 4 weeks for it to come. Cause I can't have an abortion after 14 weeks. I refuse to risk it after 14 weeks, and Shawn IS aware of this. He knows it's beginning to look like a huge possibility now, cause no mail is turning up ANYwhere since we moved. Not for him, his sister, me, anyone. Him and I went to Norwich on Monday night to see his and my friends. Nikki and Kendall... I talked to Nikki about being pregnant. She was there for me the last time I was. She got so mad at Shawn when she found out he'd leave if I had it. And kept making sure he heard her say, "THIS BABY COULD BE A REALLY GOOD THING FOR THE TWO OF YOU!" But if the medicaid card doesn't come in time.... She's offered me the room off the kitchen to stay in till her and Kendall move to Syracuse come June. The baby won't be born yet... But maybe by then, Shawn will have a better job, and Nikki can get me in where she's working, and together, hopefully we can afford our own place. Nikki talked to Shawn about it, and for once, he didn't run away. I think he may actually do it if the card doesn't come. Which will be a relief. I mean, weird thing with me is, when I can picture something happening, it doesn't happen. When I can't picture it happening, it happens. Well, I can picture having another abortion, but I can't picture getting a big belly and having, I mean literally having a baby. So it worries me a little bit. My sides have been hurting so bad, and on Sunday I started bleeding... Lightly, I mean, really lightly, but there was deffinetly blood. It only lasted a day and a half... But at least it got his mom and sister off my back about being pregnant. But it scared me. As of today, I can no longer lay on my tummy... It hurts too much. Maybe it was sooner, I'm not sure. I haven't really been laying on my tummy for a few days now. Only cause it was more comfortable on my side lately. But none the less, my sides have been really killing me, like cramping, almost like muscle spasms. I'm going to call Planned Parenthood on Monday and ask them about it. They're only open on Mondays and Thursdays. Today was a rougher day. I was laying with Shawn in the bed, and (we finally got cable today) we were watching TV, and I couldn't get a full breath. Then everytime I breathed in heavy, it hurt my sides, then after dinner, I got really lightheaded and felt like I was going to be sick. Now mind you, I'm not sapossed to be able to throw up, just feel really nausious cause of my stomach surgery... But we found out about a year ago, I could, cause I got really sick with the flu. But I haven't gotten sick since, so I dunno, maybe it was a one time thing. I just feel really shitty today, and so tired. I didn't sleep well last night. But umm... Yeah...
I really don't know how much I'm going to be updating... As you can tell, I feel like I'm living in hell, and talking about what's going on, or even trying to put on a smile and lend out a helping hand or a few good words to a friend is difficult. So, if you decided to delete me from your friend's list, I understand, and I'm truely sorry for not posting more. Maybe in a little while after this is all over it'll be easier. Right now I'm just not too happy with what's going on, and I'm scared of what may happen. So.... I am alive.... At least I think that's what you call this. But, take care everyone. I'll try to comment or post on my good days, but I dunno when those will be. Buh-byes...
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2 comments - Leave a comment |
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| Poor baby |
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| Jan. 20th, 2005 |
11:34 pm | |
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Current Mood:
tired
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Muh poor Shawny! God damned state snow plow! *shakes fists at him* He hit muh Shawny in the company van last night, cremated the van, totalling it, and hurting muh Shawny. :( Shawn was going up the road, and the plow was coming down, Shawn pulled over as far as he could to the side, and the snow plow lifted the plow, but not enough, and it clipped the side of the van, putting it to a dead stop, scraping it all down the side till the back end pushed into the ditch. The front window shattered in his face, and thank god, he had his hood up cause he had just had his window down, and he was cold. If it wasn't for that hood, he would have gotten glass all in his face. And his stupid job... He couldn't go to the hospital, cause they told him, if he did, he would have no choice but to go on workers comp, and they refuse to pay it, so they'd fire him. How fucked up is that?!? At least he doesn't have to pay for the van since it wasn't his fault. He's hurtin tho, espically his shoulder. He'll be okay, I just feel bad for him. The guy driving the snow plow was so mad at himself. He felt really bad to, appologised to Shawn and all, and said in his 30 years of driving a snow plow, he never once hit anyone. Shawn told him, "well, ya just did." Shawn was nice about it thought, he was in too much shock to be mad. He wasn't even quite sure what happened. All he can remember is hearing a boom, a scrape, and another boom. So the van's totalled, but... He's okay. I felt so bad for him. I don't really feel like talking about anything else... So I'll just leave it al that. Night
--NO MORE PAPER ROUT FOR ME! FINALLY! HAHA STUPID KIDS!
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3 comments - Leave a comment |
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| Duh |
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| Jan. 19th, 2005 |
11:02 pm | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/stars/crazy.gif) stupid
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Well I'm smart... NOT! I deleted the wrong post this afternoon. I deleted the one explaining what Shawn and I decided, instead of the one that was meant for a support group that I accidently posted in my regular journal. Oh well...
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Leave a comment |
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| Problems... hah |
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| Jan. 19th, 2005 |
12:05 pm | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/stars/scared.gif) scared
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I feel like I've got the weight of my world put on my shoulders. Who knew 2 words could make you feel 1000lbs heavier..
I'll tell you a little bit about myself before I go and explain my problems...
Name: Cassandra
Age: 16
Marital Status: Engaged (Been with him for 2 years come February)
Occupation: Currently changing
State: New York, USA (upstate)
Picture: In my user info
Interests: Reading, writing, music, poetry, drawing, art, talking, shopping, horse back riding, sports, traveling
A little extra: I do not live at home due to my step father beating me, and i do not live with my biological father due to the reason he is an alcoholic. So for the past 2 1/2 months I have been living with my boyfriend (fiancee now) his sister, her boyfriend, and their 8 month old daughter.
As for my problem.... * takes a deep breath *
My boyfriend (Shawn) and I have been together for almost 2 years now. In August of 2003, I got pregnant. I was 14 at the time, and he was 20. I ended up terminating the pregnancy cause there was no one I would be able to support the child, or go through with the pregnancy for various reasons. I beg of you, I know plenty of people completely despise against abortions... But at that time, it was really the best thing for me. And I still believe I made the right decision to this day. I will admit though, it was not easy. I am still not over it a year and a half later. And I could never go through it again. I was an emotional wreck after it, and still am every-now-and-then to this very day. I hated myself for going through with it, cause it split my b/f and I apart to the point he was so mad at himself, he took it out on me, as I did to him. And we both ended up cheating on one another. Since then, we've had our ups and downs, and I'll come straight out and tell you, ever since his sister (April) moved back to New York from FL... Our relationship has gotten really hard. She hates me to no end, and has wished my death upon me plenty times. But obviously, we're still together if I'm living with him....
A little background on Shawn... September of 2003, Shawn went to jail. He choose to go to jail for 2 months instead of going through probation for 6 years and loosing me. The reason for him being on probation in the first place? When he was 17, he was with a 15 year old... The day he turned 18, she got mad that he wouldn't spend the day with her, and wanted to go out with his buddies... She charged him with rape. Unfortunately, they believed her considering she's a female, and her parents backed her up. Even though they were living together IN the parents house, and they all knew they were having sex. It doesn't make sense, but it's what happened. He was on probation a little after I bet him, till he went to jail. He was in there from September 24th till November 14th 2003. He got out early on good behavior. Going to jail also erased any records he would have gotten had he stayed on probation.
Now today, January 17, 2005... On December 13th, I had gone to planned parenthood to get on birth control. I had a pap done, and last week, it came back abnormal. I had not had my period since November 24, 2004. I started getting some gross discharge, so I called them up, and made another appointment. I was positive that I wasn't pregnant cause I had absolutely no signs that I did my last pregnancy. Well I went there, when they found out I hadn't had my period since November, they decided to give me a pregnancy test.... It came back positive. There's absolutely no way I can emotionally make it through another abortion. I honestly want to have this child and raise it... But my boyfriend is scared shit less. Which, in all honesty, I don't blame him. Since he's been in trouble with younger women before, I know he'd be screwed if anyone turned him in... And unfortunately... His sister is just that person. I ended up telling him the clinic cause I didn't know how he would react. When he came in the room, I was crying, and I couldn't even look at him. I could just tell out of the corner of my eye that he had a look of concern on. he held me, and asked me what was wrong... I told him, "I'm pregnant." He just held me and rubbed my back and neck and leg. The doctor asked him how he felt about it... He said scared. Not about having the baby, but about what other people would say and do. Which, I don't blame him for. The car ride back home was the most painful thing in the world. Cause I soon as we walked out of the door of the office room, I felt as if I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I felt so weighed down, it was hard to even move. And it was pure silence. He didn't say a thing until we had been home for about 10 minutes. At the office, the doctor asked him what he thought about it, and he said it was up to me about what I was going to do. He eventually called me into the bedroom where he was laying down watching TV. While I was in the living room crying since no one was home. He was completely different at home. He asked me what I was going to do. I told him I didn't know... He said he wasn't going to go to jail for him.... He said not to be surprised if he didn't come home from work in the morning. I asked him if he'd come back eventually, and he said no. I could tell he was just mad in general. He ate, beat up the kitty cat for breaking the best pot, and he was better... But still... I don't know what to do. He's not the easiest person to talk to. He works all night and morning, and sleeps all day. I want this child, I want him to be around, I want him to take a chance on a life he created. Yet, I don't want to loose him in that chance. I know what it's like to grow up without a Daddy, and there is no way I would allow that to happen to my child. I told him I wanted to keep it, he told me I could do what I want, and he feels bad, but if I keep it, he can't be around. In all honesty, I don't blame him in the least. I know darn well if I was in his shoes, I would do the same thing. It just really doesn't make it any easier for me in any way. Cause I can't go through another abortion, and I can't go through labor. So I'm stuck in something where I don't see a way out no matter which way I choose to go.
I did start writing this a few days ago, but I had to stop. Since then, we agreed on an abortion, cause another baby could happen down the road. But currently, he was a lot more important to me than the baby. He feels shitty about making me go through it again, but I refuse to loose him, and allow my child to grow up without it's Daddy. That conversation took place yesterday. I had also asked him, "Why can't we take a chance?" In a way, I want to, yet in another way, I don't. For I don't want to take that chance and loose everything I've got. It was kind of funny... Last night, Shawn's sister said to her 8 month old daughter, "It's time for another little brother or sister, huh Shiann?" Her boyfriend just about choked on his ice cream, and I was laughing about it. I was going into the bedroom to give Shawn his ice cream, and just as I got into his room, his mom goes, "I think it's time for Aunt Cassie and Uncle Cracker to start working on a little cousin." Shawn didn't really like hearing that, and I know it made him feel even worse. But like I said, I don't blame him. This morning when Shawn got home though, it was like, 6:30am. He told me to get him up at 2pm if he wasn't already up. I asked him why, and he said, "So we can talk." I really don't know what about, and I told him we could talk right then, but he wanted to wait. So I decided not to call the clinic and make an appointment to get on medicaid, and another appointment for the abortion.
I really have no one to talk to about any of this. Like I said, he's not the greatest listener/talker, and he's usually working or sleeping. I need someone to talk to, and in a way, 'hold my hand' through it all. Figuratively speaking that is. So... That's why I came here, in hopes that maybe I could find someone to talk to. Maybe even someone who's gone through what I'm going through. If you read my main journal, it goes into more detail than I was able to put in here. I just keep getting distracted, and it's making it hard for me to be as detailed as those posts.
Well... Thanks for reading my like, novel if you even made it through without falling asleep.
~Cassandra ---Holding on as strong as I can, even though I feel like my back is breaking under the weight of the world---
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5 comments - Leave a comment |
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| Jan. 17th, 2005 |
09:52 pm | |
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oh somebody help me please.... I'm so scared, and so confused, and I have no idea what to do, and no one to even talk to who understands what i've been through, and am going through.....
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4 comments - Leave a comment |
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| Who want's the results?..... |
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| Jan. 17th, 2005 |
04:51 pm | |
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Current Mood:
scared
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I came in and filled out the paper work. Told the lady at the desk I hadn't gotten my period since around November 24, 2004. She said they would deffinetly want to do a pregnancy test. So while I was filling the paperwork out, the lady came into the waiting room and asked me if I was having any symptoms of being pregnant, I told her no. I had been pregnant before, and I knew I was pregnant by 5 weeks. I also told her we had used protection, and I was almost positive I wasn't pregnant. I told her I'd be pretty mad if I was cause I had used protection, but I wasn't really worried about it, cause I knew I wasn't. I finished filling out the paper work, she gave me a cup to go pee, and sent me into the back room. She came in, and I smiled at her. She just looked at me with this look... I can't even explain it... And I knew it right then... I told her, "I don't like that look..." She said, "It came back positive." I just broke down crying and continually said "shit" and "I dunno what I'm going to do... I can't go through another abortion." She said if I wanted to tell Shawn there, I could, to think about it, and the other lady would be in in a few to look at me as to why I was having the brown discharge. She came in, and explained to me that she was worried about the meds they had put me on in december cause it could have hurt the baby if I decide to keep it. She said it's been awhile, and since I showed no signs, that it should be okay, just when I go to an OBGYN, I need to explain to them what I took, and when. And it turns out, I still have the infection, but they can't give me anything for it till the third trimester. So she finished up, and the other lady came back in... She asked me if I had decided how I was going to tell Shawn, and I told her I couldn't be the one to tell him. She said she could be in the room, but I had to be the one to tell him. As soon as she left the room to go get him, I started crying. He came in, and I couldn't even look him in the face. He seemed so concearned, and he knelt down next to me, held me and asked me what was wrong... I told him, "I'm pregnant. I dunno what to do." He said, "I dunno either." Then nothing was said from anything, I continued crying, and he continued holding me and rubbing my leg and back to comfort me, then he told me not to cry... He told the lady he's not afraid of having the baby, it's what other people will say and do. And since he's already gotten in trouble with the law with being with a younger female before, it's not like they'd really give him a fair chance. The lady asked him what he thought about it, and he told her, "It's up to her what she want's to do." He continued holding me and rubbing my back/neck/leg/knee... She said to him that I really didn't want to go through another termination, cause she guessed I had a really hard time emotionally dealing with it... He nodded as if he understood. She filled out the paperwork, and we walked out of the room. The minute we walked through that door... I felt as if I was carrying the world on my shoulders. Nothing was said the entire walk of the building, wait for the copy of one paper, or drive in the car back home. He went straight to bedroom, not saying a thing, and layed down under the blankets with the TV on. I couldn't go in... I felt like I was going to topple over with the weight I felt like I was carrying. So I sat in the chair in the living room and cried since no one was home. (April had gone to a doctors appointment in Binghamton for her back) He eventually called me in the room, and he was just a completely different person than he was in the office. He asked me what I was going to do. I told him I didn't know. I asked him what he wanted, and he said, "As I said there, it's up to you." I tried to explain to him that it's OUR child, that we both made it, and we BOTH need to make a decission together. He said I mise well just blame it all on him like I did last time. I tried explaining to him that I didn't blame it on him. Just he didn't help me make a decission, he said one thing, and refused to say anything else ever again. Terminating it, he's admitted, made us fall apart, he was mad at me for it, and mad at himself for letting me do it... And I was mad at myself for letting myself go through it... And I was so mad, I took it out on him. But I never really blammed him. It takes two people to make a baby, he sure as hell didn't rape me, and I sure as hell didn't clime upon myself and get myself pregnant. It was both of us, we're both to blame. We used protection every time except once, unless the condom broke or something, I really don't know. But Shawn was just really short with me when we got home, trying to talk to him. He was putting it all on me again. It's not all my decission. Yeah, it may be my body, but it's OUR kid, WE made it, it's OUR responcibility. He told me not to be surprised if he didn't come home tonight... I asked him if he would come home eventually, and he refused to answer me. Eventually, he did, and said no. I told him not to do this to me. I needed him now more than ever, and I didn't want to loose him over being pregnant, AGAIN. He told me he wasn't going to go to jail for me... I don't know what's going to happen... The cat knocked the pan off the stove in the kitchen... Shawn went running out, and sadly, took his anger out on the cat, beating the shit out of it... I just wanted to grab him and hold him, but I was so afraid he'd push me away even further. He eventually calmed down after he ate, he got me food too... And he was nicer then. I kissed his arm, and he kept whipping it off. I told him to stop whipping it off, and he told me it wasn't permanent there, there were only two places that it was permanent. So I tried kissing his lips, and he was smiling and covering his mouth so I couldn't, I eventually did. Then I asked him where the other spot was, and he goes, "my left nut" I was like, "yeah okay" then he tells me he's feeling it, so I put my hand down there just to see, and the fucking lier was just horney and wanted me to touch him. He'd been horney since he got home from work this morning. lol So I started... Well... Giving him head. He goes, "this is how it all started you know." I said to him, well it's not like I can become pregnant again if I'm already pregnant." so he said, "True... In that case, take your pants off." So yeah, we hadn't down any sexual thing in like, got, 2-3 weeks... So it wa pretty fast... But he just laid there on top of me afterwords not saying anything, and I just held him as I tight as I could and kept saying, "i love you." When he finally took his head out of the pillow, his eyes were blood shot, and his face was all red.... It looked like he was crying, but I was too afraid to ask... I went to the bathroom after he poped the zits on my face, and I came back in and layed next to him at the computer while he was looking up parts for his thunderbird. And I ended up falling asleep till his mom and sister and jay came home. The second I came out of the bedroom, April was questioning me, "So what'd they say, why aren't you getting your period?" I told her "I've just got that infection again" and Jay handed me the baby, so I quickly changed the subject and got involved with her. Then later while I was doing the dished she asked again, "So did they say when you were going to get your period?" I told her, "Eventually" Which in all honesty, is not a lie. I will get it eventually. She never asked if I was pregnant, so there was nothing I had to lie about. She asked if they gave me meds for the infection, and I told her no. She didn't ask why, that I know of at least, cause that's when I got myself distracted by the stinky baby. (that's what Shawn and I call her) April made subs for everyone, and Shawn was in the room looking something up, and so I brought him his, and i kissed him on the cheak, he told, "Just don't say anything yet." I told him, "I didn't, I just changed the subject." Since they've been home I've managed to hold my head up high and put on my best, "everything's great" face. Shawn and Jay went down to Binghamton to the junk yard to get some parts for their cars that they despretly need. Once they left, I started packing Shawn's room more. All that's left pretty much is the big stuff and CD's, and whatever is in that scary closet....
But yeah....
I'm pregnant....
I'm 7-8 weeks....
The baby will be due August 31, 2005....
I don't have long to decide what I'm going to do....
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8 comments - Leave a comment |
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| Doctors tomorrow |
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| Jan. 17th, 2005 |
12:29 am | |
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Current Mood:
discontent
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I know I haven't updated, Shawn and I are having problems... And I know why... I'm too afraid to let go, and let myself completely trust him. I'm hanging on for dear life with one hand, trying to hold myself steady from trusting him... Cause I'm just so afraid of getting hurt again....
I still haven't gotten my period... I got a call less than a week ago that my pap results came back and... Well, they were abnormal, and they said there was a possibility it could be cancer. They said they'd send the results in the mail. I read it, and so did Shawn, as he put it... "It's either nothing or you're screwed." There's 3 catagories that it could be... 1) Nothing 2) Something uncurable 3) Cancer Well, I started getting some brown discharge the other day, so I called the clinic and made an apointment, which amazingly, they had an opening in less than a week. Last time I had to wait a month. So I have it tomorrow (17) at 10am. So hopefully we'll be able to figure out what's wrong.
I haven't been sleeping well... No wonder, I'm up now. I don't know why, I'm just not comfortable in any way, and every time I lay down, I get really short of breath. I'm getting the cramps back, and they almost feel like my gas bubbles did, but it's down a lot lower, so I dunno. As for the shortness of breath, I dunno... I'm sick of my body being all fucked up. I'd just like to be healthy for once. But yeah, not like that's ever going to happen. Well... I'll update the next time I have a chance. We're in the process of moving, so it's not going to be too easy. Bye
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1 comment - Leave a comment |
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| Jan. 5th, 2005 |
05:01 pm | |
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Current Mood:
irritated
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Well, I see everyone loves commenting to put Shawn down and tell me he's no good, EVEN when I say I don't want to hear it... Yet no one can say a damn thing when I actually WANT comments on a situation. But fine.... Probably won't be around for awhile anyways... BYE
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5 comments - Leave a comment |
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happy